Ok, so I work in your typical corporate climate. Just for background, I never imagined myself doing such a thing, I imagined myself teaching English at finishing school in the Highlands…oh wait, not a dream, but more a fantasy there. Anyway, I’m very fortunate to have the job I have, being a single dad full-time with no help whatsoever from the ex. Just wanted to put that right out there so as not to seem ungrateful.
1 – Elevator Envy: Probably just me, but I find myself grading people on the floor they are going to. I work in a 15 floor building and only go to the 4th, so I’m kind of a peon in the scheme of things, but at least I’m in the big building and no longer in the small, 1960’s ere brick building…HA!
Sometimes I’ll see another guy get in the elevator (I reserve this foolishness for other men and leave the lades out of my judgements) and get off on the third floor and think “yeah buddy, goin up to four. ‘movin on up’ motherfucker!” And then the envious “wow, that guys goes all the way up to 10…bigshot!”
I’ve noticed too that the different floor lobbies let you know right away where you’re at. My floor has virtually nothing and your general, corporate white walls and beize carpet. Up on 10 and above you get all kinds of funky tile, paneling, flowers, and then even further there’s an actual receptionist to keep out the rifraff.
2 – Parking Pariahs: Ok, just stop trying to fit your Yukon in the Cooper Mini space fucktard. And stop backing in. And please lord, stop trying to get in on the lowest floor possible. You’re holding up the line, bitch! There’s stairs and elevators on every fucking floor! You wanna do that shit, come in at 6 a.m.
3 – Birthdays: Ok, I like my co-workers. I don’t mind sharing a bit of my life with them. But we don’t have to be the BFFs. We don’t have to celebrate every International Coffee’s moment. And it’s not funny or cute to ambush me weeks earlier to celebrate my birthday. I’m 44. The days of being excited about a birthday are long over. It’s now a mild surprise…”hey, even with all the damage I’ve inflicted, still alive”.
4 – The Crusaders: I’m glad you found an outlet for the guilt associated with working for a major corporation (which, coincidentally donates gojillions of dollars to charities every year), but please keep it to yourself. Stop trying to make our little teambuilding exercises, which is about our team and doing something other than working, about your “cause”. I already give to some charities and don’t bug you about it.
5 – Amateur Anthropologists: I’m proud of my heritage too, but I don’t expect everyone that comes into work on St. Patty’s day to swill liquor with me or go to mass. And I love experiencing new cultures, reading about them and eventually I would like to visit them and see for myself. But I’m not eating that thing you serve up once a year for the corporate heritage day. Do I make you eat potatoes soaked in Guinness?
6 – Coffee Conniseurs: Just order a friggin coffee! It’s for the caffiene you dolt. You’re not impressing me with your skinny mini half caff ass flask or whatever you drink. Latte means layers…that’s all! It doesn’t make it taste any better or worse. And if you put whipped cream on it, it’s not coffee any more. Go to Starbucks.
7 – Bathroom Guy: God bless you for the job you do. Who would want that job, right? But you do it and do it well, and you have all my respect. However, get out of there. Every time I go to the head you’re there. There have to be othe bathrooms or better times to clean ours. And whoever put the flowers and the scented soap in the men’s room, please take them out. This is the head. It’s where men got to piss and shit. It’s the last vestige we have so leave it alone.
8 – Company Portraits: Oh please. I know some of you people and have heard you curse like a sailor with turrets syndrome over work. You wanna put that shit in the lobby for visitors, be my guest, but you can forget abotu putting my ugly mug up on a wall where I have to work.
9 – Motivational Posters: On the bathroom mirror? Really? Do people really think that inspires anything but contempt? Here’s an idea, you want to motivate employees? Provide solid management and pay, commensurate with what they do for the company. Even out bonuses across the board for all of us when the company does well. Just a thought.
10 – Career Development Plans: Pretty specific I know, but I hate the made up, busy work, so it looks like we care and want you to succeed crap. If it doesn’t relate directly to my job, it’s not career development. If you want me to “grow” and move on to another area, say so. Otherwise, I’d like to concentrate on what I need to do to make my life quieter and easier, keep what I got and like, and possibly get a bigger raise if I merit it.
That was way more venting than I had intended.